1
00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:09,551
If there were a hypothetical
compost vessel

2
00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:13,689
for -- hypothetically --
our doodie,

3
00:00:13,689 --> 00:00:15,310
would you hypothetically
be into that?

4
00:00:15,310 --> 00:00:18,103
Sure! I been crashing on
friends' couches for a month,

5
00:00:18,103 --> 00:00:21,344
so I can literally move in
to-morr-ow, all right?

6
00:00:21,344 --> 00:00:22,758
Let me ask you this.

7
00:00:22,758 --> 00:00:24,827
When I take a shower,
will you keep me company?

8
00:00:24,827 --> 00:00:26,310
Not -- Not
inthe shower,

9
00:00:26,310 --> 00:00:28,206
just, like, sit on the toilet
and talk to me?

10
00:00:28,206 --> 00:00:29,862
Okay.

11
00:00:29,862 --> 00:00:33,137
Okay, I just have
one final question.Mm-hmm.

12
00:00:33,137 --> 00:00:36,517
What is your stance
on the Olsen twins?

13
00:00:36,517 --> 00:00:38,896
Oh, my God, girl,
the Olsen twins.

14
00:00:38,896 --> 00:00:41,241
It drives me nuts,
you understand?

15
00:00:41,241 --> 00:00:43,551
Part of it is like
I feel sorry for them.Yes.

16
00:00:43,551 --> 00:00:45,172
But they also billionaires,
so I hate them.

17
00:00:45,172 --> 00:00:46,379
Yes! Right.

18
00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:48,034
But, I mean,
did they ask for this?

19
00:00:48,034 --> 00:00:49,586
No, they did not. Okay?Unh-unh.

20
00:00:49,586 --> 00:00:51,241
Why would you have
Uncle Jesse

21
00:00:51,241 --> 00:00:54,758
picking them up,
kissing them to get women?

22
00:00:54,758 --> 00:00:56,551
What woman sees that
as a turn-on?

23
00:00:56,551 --> 00:00:58,172
What kind of move
is this?

24
00:00:58,172 --> 00:01:00,482
Child, that whole set
is about to be Bill Cosby.

25
00:01:00,482 --> 00:01:01,931
You hear me?
Bizarre.

26
00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:03,896
Okay? MeToo moments
every damn where.

27
00:01:03,896 --> 00:01:06,275
That's it.
I mean, give it to me.For real.

28
00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:07,551
Lay it down.
Hello?

29
00:01:07,551 --> 00:01:08,724
I mean, we vibing,
right?

30
00:01:08,724 --> 00:01:10,206
Child.
Ye-e-es!

31
00:01:10,206 --> 00:01:11,379
Beezy!
All ri-i-ight!

32
00:01:11,379 --> 00:01:12,413
Ha ha ha!

33
00:01:12,413 --> 00:01:14,172
Ah, yes!

34
00:01:14,172 --> 00:01:16,827
Now, just tell me,
what room do I take, okay?

35
00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:20,137
Well, you have officially
secured yourself a backup offer.

36
00:01:20,137 --> 00:01:21,379
Backup?

37
00:01:21,379 --> 00:01:22,896
It's just that
I have one more

38
00:01:22,896 --> 00:01:25,793
brown-eyed, goy-nosed,
fat-assed,

39
00:01:25,793 --> 00:01:27,724
beautiful candidate
left to explore.

40
00:01:27,724 --> 00:01:30,620
Well, girl, you've literally
just described me.

41
00:01:30,620 --> 00:01:32,896
Well,
it looks like I have a type.

42
00:01:32,896 --> 00:01:34,137
I will get back to you
in 24 hours.

43
00:01:34,137 --> 00:01:35,310
Can you make it 23?

44
00:01:35,310 --> 00:01:36,689
'Cause I really love
this place.

45
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,551
That's never
happened before.

46
00:01:39,551 --> 00:01:41,931
♪ Four and three and two
and one -- one ♪

47
00:01:46,517 --> 00:01:48,206
I'm scared.

48
00:01:48,206 --> 00:01:49,724
I don't know
how to say it

49
00:01:49,724 --> 00:01:53,551
or when or where
or how exactly.

50
00:01:53,551 --> 00:01:54,965
Ugh.
You haven't told Ilana

51
00:01:54,965 --> 00:01:56,448
you're moving
to Colorado yet?!

52
00:01:56,448 --> 00:01:58,241
I donot envy you.

53
00:01:58,241 --> 00:02:00,586
When we told her we were
getting rid of her car,

54
00:02:00,586 --> 00:02:03,620
we took her to see
Savion Glover tap-dance...King of tap.

55
00:02:03,620 --> 00:02:07,172
...and we even
snuck in a backpack
of sour cherry straws...

56
00:02:07,172 --> 00:02:09,000
Those are her favorite....and she still

57
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,206
wanted to declare
legal emancipation.

58
00:02:11,206 --> 00:02:12,620
And you better
tell that bitch soon

59
00:02:12,620 --> 00:02:14,206
because I'm only good
up to a certain point

60
00:02:14,206 --> 00:02:15,517
when it comes
to keeping a secret.

61
00:02:15,517 --> 00:02:17,206
Like, 12 hours ago,

62
00:02:17,206 --> 00:02:20,103
Eliot tells me
he's having an affair --

63
00:02:20,103 --> 00:02:21,517
Can you believe this? --

64
00:02:21,517 --> 00:02:24,275
with a married man,
married to a woman!

65
00:02:24,275 --> 00:02:26,379
He's a homewrecker,
Abbi!

66
00:02:26,379 --> 00:02:27,862
Fuck.
See? 12 hours.

67
00:02:27,862 --> 00:02:29,551
Ugh.
I can't help myself.

68
00:02:29,551 --> 00:02:31,275
Okay, okay,
I-I'll do it today.

69
00:02:31,275 --> 00:02:33,896
Butter her up -- flowers,
weed, something special.

70
00:02:33,896 --> 00:02:36,172
Just tell me
it's gonna be okay.

71
00:02:36,172 --> 00:02:37,551
Bobbi?

72
00:02:37,551 --> 00:02:39,517
Bob, you're froz...

73
00:02:39,517 --> 00:02:43,620
Okay, I can see the ceiling fan
still moving in the background.

74
00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:49,827
Okay.

75
00:02:51,103 --> 00:02:52,310
Ilana: What?

76
00:02:52,310 --> 00:02:54,172
Dude, what?
Wait.

77
00:02:54,172 --> 00:02:58,000
We both bought each other
a dozen roses?

78
00:02:59,896 --> 00:03:01,379
That is amazing.
Can you believe --

79
00:03:01,379 --> 00:03:02,448
Okay,
these are for you.

80
00:03:02,448 --> 00:03:03,965
And those are for you.

81
00:03:03,965 --> 00:03:06,172
Can you believe we are
so psychically linked?

82
00:03:06,172 --> 00:03:08,586
No, and -- and,
luckily, nothing --

83
00:03:08,586 --> 00:03:12,206
you know, no space or time
or distance or anything --

84
00:03:12,206 --> 00:03:13,655
would ever change that
or take that away.

85
00:03:13,655 --> 00:03:15,000
Not even death.

86
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,344
That's hot.
Yeah.

87
00:03:17,344 --> 00:03:19,586
So, today, we are
going to do something

88
00:03:19,586 --> 00:03:22,724
that you have wanted
to do forever, baby.What?

89
00:03:23,896 --> 00:03:25,931
"Sleep No More"!

90
00:03:25,931 --> 00:03:27,413
Are you serious?

91
00:03:27,413 --> 00:03:28,689
Uh-huh!

92
00:03:28,689 --> 00:03:29,931
God, I love
living in New York City.

93
00:03:29,931 --> 00:03:31,551
You just --
You can't beat it.

94
00:03:31,551 --> 00:03:32,965
You get to be
physically near

95
00:03:32,965 --> 00:03:34,896
the cutting edge
of art and culture

96
00:03:34,896 --> 00:03:36,275
and then,
just a mere decade later,

97
00:03:36,275 --> 00:03:38,448
actually afford
to experience it.

98
00:03:38,448 --> 00:03:40,068
Mm-hmm.
But wait.

99
00:03:40,068 --> 00:03:41,827
Aren't you gonna be
too scared to go?

100
00:03:41,827 --> 00:03:42,896
I mean, I'm excited.

101
00:03:42,896 --> 00:03:44,172
I am also scared,

102
00:03:44,172 --> 00:03:46,000
but it is gonna be
scary, right?

103
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,724
It's not intended
to be scary.

104
00:03:47,724 --> 00:03:50,517
It's kind of like interactive,
modern version of "Macbeth."

105
00:03:50,517 --> 00:03:51,965
Ooh!
Shakespeare.

106
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:55,034
I loveShakespeare,
all his stuff.

107
00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:56,344
Mm.

108
00:03:56,344 --> 00:03:58,206
God, Shakespeare
was fucking cool,

109
00:03:58,206 --> 00:04:00,793
'cause he was
bisexual as hell, dawg.Mm.

110
00:04:00,793 --> 00:04:04,275
Also, you see visible vulva
and penis in this show.

111
00:04:04,275 --> 00:04:05,517
Ah!

112
00:04:05,517 --> 00:04:07,344
This is gonna be
sogood,

113
00:04:07,344 --> 00:04:09,137
because I want to go
into this new experience

114
00:04:09,137 --> 00:04:10,793
because, like,
I want to be uncomfortable

115
00:04:10,793 --> 00:04:11,827
to grow.

116
00:04:11,827 --> 00:04:13,931
Beesh, I hear deesh,

117
00:04:13,931 --> 00:04:16,758
'cause I believe
in us growing together,

118
00:04:16,758 --> 00:04:18,655
no matter what form
that may take.

119
00:04:18,655 --> 00:04:21,172
Me too, dude.

120
00:04:21,172 --> 00:04:24,000
Together forever!

121
00:04:29,275 --> 00:04:30,482
Petticoats, please.

122
00:04:30,482 --> 00:04:31,586
If you could keep these
vertical,

123
00:04:31,586 --> 00:04:32,931
that would be great.

124
00:04:32,931 --> 00:04:34,620
And, hey, is there
a particular

125
00:04:34,620 --> 00:04:36,172
penis-and-vulva
viewing room?

126
00:04:36,172 --> 00:04:38,862
I-I was told there would be
visible vulva.

127
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:41,103
Uh, you know,
this is more of a --

128
00:04:41,103 --> 00:04:44,068
this is honestly more of like
a follow-the-action,

129
00:04:44,068 --> 00:04:45,724
choose-your-own-adventure
type show.

130
00:04:45,724 --> 00:04:47,310
Just follow the rooms.

131
00:04:47,310 --> 00:04:48,931
I bet
it's multiple rooms.

132
00:04:48,931 --> 00:04:50,172
Yeah.

133
00:04:51,896 --> 00:04:53,827
It isscary, see?

134
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:55,931
20 people
on one elevator, yes.

135
00:04:55,931 --> 00:04:57,275
Actually terrifying.

136
00:04:58,482 --> 00:05:00,827
Okay.

137
00:05:07,034 --> 00:05:09,827
Things aren't always
as they seem here.

138
00:05:09,827 --> 00:05:11,655
Trust no one.

139
00:05:14,655 --> 00:05:16,379
I trust you.

140
00:05:16,379 --> 00:05:17,379
I was right there.

141
00:05:17,379 --> 00:05:18,482
Me?

142
00:05:18,482 --> 00:05:20,413
No, not you.
God!

143
00:05:20,413 --> 00:05:23,137
Jesus.
You -- I trust you.

144
00:05:23,137 --> 00:05:24,724
Me?
Oh, my God!

145
00:05:24,724 --> 00:05:26,068
No! What?!

146
00:05:26,068 --> 00:05:27,241
Are you bothering
this girl?

147
00:05:27,241 --> 00:05:28,344
Ilana?

148
00:05:28,344 --> 00:05:31,034
Okay. God, let's go.
Come on.

149
00:05:32,137 --> 00:05:33,689
Oh, cute.

150
00:05:33,689 --> 00:05:35,827
Oh, my God.

151
00:05:35,827 --> 00:05:37,172
Okay, I can't look.

152
00:05:37,172 --> 00:05:39,068
What do you think's
gonna happen to her?

153
00:05:39,068 --> 00:05:40,931
Ab, if this is too scary
for you, we can go.

154
00:05:40,931 --> 00:05:42,551
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, no.

155
00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:44,241
Yeah, it's just
kind of scary not knowing,

156
00:05:44,241 --> 00:05:46,034
like, what's gonna
happen next.

157
00:05:47,379 --> 00:05:50,379
We gotta do new stuff
and expand.

158
00:05:50,379 --> 00:05:51,931
It's the best part
of life!

159
00:05:51,931 --> 00:05:54,586
Even if we are scared and
terrified, we gotta do it --

160
00:05:54,586 --> 00:05:56,551
like, new parts of the world,
new ideas,

161
00:05:56,551 --> 00:05:58,551
new -- new parts
of the -- the country.

162
00:05:58,551 --> 00:06:00,068
Ooh, like Queens.Yeah, yeah.

163
00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:02,068
Or, like, further wherever,
you know?

164
00:06:02,068 --> 00:06:03,413
Like, I'm in, dude.

165
00:06:03,413 --> 00:06:06,896
Girl, I love inner.
Go in. Go deep.

166
00:06:06,896 --> 00:06:08,551
And, you know, when your
best friend is by your side,

167
00:06:08,551 --> 00:06:10,034
there's nothing
to fear.

168
00:06:12,896 --> 00:06:13,965
Oh, man.

169
00:06:15,827 --> 00:06:17,827
Ew, do you smell that?

170
00:06:17,827 --> 00:06:20,586
Yeah, someone must have
crop-dusted us all, huh?

171
00:06:20,586 --> 00:06:22,310
Brilliant
theatrical choice!

172
00:06:22,310 --> 00:06:24,517
It was me.

173
00:06:24,517 --> 00:06:25,586
Wait.

174
00:06:28,310 --> 00:06:29,965
Oh, my God.
Shitfuck.

175
00:06:29,965 --> 00:06:31,620
Nurses are
never good.

176
00:06:31,620 --> 00:06:34,241
Although I do love the long-lost
art of letter-writing.

177
00:06:34,241 --> 00:06:36,379
I'm just like, "Where are
the chills and/or thrills?"

178
00:06:36,379 --> 00:06:38,137
You know, I want to be
either really scared

179
00:06:38,137 --> 00:06:40,241
or really horny.Are you kidding me?

180
00:06:40,241 --> 00:06:41,931
This is the creepiest
fucking thing I've ever seen.

181
00:06:41,931 --> 00:06:43,620
Oh, my God!

182
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:45,448
I don't want to go on!

183
00:06:47,068 --> 00:06:48,931
Yeah, it's working.

184
00:06:48,931 --> 00:06:50,379
It's working.

185
00:06:51,793 --> 00:06:55,068
Gorgeous cursive.

186
00:06:55,068 --> 00:06:58,379
Yes! Candy!
Okay, jackpot.

187
00:06:58,379 --> 00:07:00,137
Oh, my God.

188
00:07:00,137 --> 00:07:01,896
Except...

189
00:07:01,896 --> 00:07:04,137
I know what's going on.
This is like --

190
00:07:04,137 --> 00:07:06,172
What if this is like
a little sweet spot

191
00:07:06,172 --> 00:07:07,724
so they --
you let your guard down

192
00:07:07,724 --> 00:07:09,172
'cause you're, like,
surrounded by candy,

193
00:07:09,172 --> 00:07:10,862
and then this is where
they really hit you

194
00:07:10,862 --> 00:07:13,482
with, like, the terrifying,
like, terrible stuff.

195
00:07:13,482 --> 00:07:14,689
Chill out.

196
00:07:14,689 --> 00:07:16,034
Nothing terrible's
gonna happen.

197
00:07:16,034 --> 00:07:17,137
I mean, you don't
know that, but --

198
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,965
In fact...

199
00:07:18,965 --> 00:07:21,793
I know how to make
a sweet memory even sweeter.

200
00:07:21,793 --> 00:07:23,379
Okay.

201
00:07:23,379 --> 00:07:27,000
Abbi,
you are the best thing

202
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,517
that's ever
come into my life,

203
00:07:28,517 --> 00:07:29,896
and I know I'm taking
a big swing here,

204
00:07:29,896 --> 00:07:31,551
but I'm just gonna
go for it.

205
00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:33,965
So, as I look for a roommate
to replace Jaimé,

206
00:07:33,965 --> 00:07:35,344
I'm thinking, like,

207
00:07:35,344 --> 00:07:37,103
"Abbi and I spend
a lot of time together.

208
00:07:37,103 --> 00:07:39,379
We get along."

209
00:07:39,379 --> 00:07:42,344
Why not spend more time
together?

210
00:07:42,344 --> 00:07:44,965
I'm talking covering each
other's rent once in a while.

211
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,793
I'm talking knowing what
each other's orgasms sound like

212
00:07:47,793 --> 00:07:49,827
instead of merely
fantasizing about it.

213
00:07:50,862 --> 00:07:54,448
Abbi Gary Anna Abrams...

214
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,793
...will you be
my roommate?

215
00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:05,689
Uh, I...

216
00:08:05,689 --> 00:08:07,068
You know what?

217
00:08:07,068 --> 00:08:08,724
Don't even worry about it.
Never happened.

218
00:08:08,724 --> 00:08:10,448
I-I get it.

219
00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:12,275
I acknowledged
the swing-size,

220
00:08:12,275 --> 00:08:14,344
and I even secured
a backup offer.

221
00:08:14,344 --> 00:08:16,862
She's very fucking cool,
so it's -- it's chill.

222
00:08:16,862 --> 00:08:18,068
It's -- It's chill.
I really...

223
00:08:18,068 --> 00:08:19,413
It's cool.

224
00:08:19,413 --> 00:08:21,034
No. No, no, no --
Wait, wait, wait.

225
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,413
Dude, not -- It's...

226
00:08:23,551 --> 00:08:25,172
Fuck. Okay.

227
00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:27,586
You're scaring me.

228
00:08:27,586 --> 00:08:30,551
I-I didn't want to tell you
when we were in here.

229
00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:31,724
All right,
all right.

230
00:08:31,724 --> 00:08:33,517
I-I was going
to tell you today.

231
00:08:33,517 --> 00:08:36,413
Um, I got accepted

232
00:08:36,413 --> 00:08:39,758
to an artists'
residency program

233
00:08:39,758 --> 00:08:44,034
in Boulder...

234
00:08:44,034 --> 00:08:47,241
Colorado.

235
00:08:47,241 --> 00:08:50,241
And I'm gonna go.

236
00:08:51,724 --> 00:08:55,172
I was, um,
gonna sell my shit

237
00:08:55,172 --> 00:09:01,137
and use this
as an opportunity to move.

238
00:09:05,344 --> 00:09:07,137
What...
Ilana!

239
00:09:07,137 --> 00:09:08,758
...the fuck...Dude? Ilana?

240
00:09:08,758 --> 00:09:10,517
...are you
talking about?!
Ow!

241
00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:11,931
Ilana, um...

242
00:09:11,931 --> 00:09:14,724
We need to get you
into therapy today.

243
00:09:14,724 --> 00:09:17,000
This is an emergency,
okay?!

244
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,344
This is an emergency!

245
00:09:18,344 --> 00:09:19,896
Okay, fun fact-o,
Ilana --

246
00:09:19,896 --> 00:09:23,068
Did you know that
you could fly to Boulder

247
00:09:23,068 --> 00:09:24,862
on a connecting flight
through O'Hare

248
00:09:24,862 --> 00:09:27,689
with a layover
in Pittsburgh for $42?

249
00:09:27,689 --> 00:09:30,482
I mean --I had never looked up
how to fly to "Boulder."

250
00:09:30,482 --> 00:09:31,724
Ew!

251
00:09:31,724 --> 00:09:33,034
All right, all right.O'Hare?!

252
00:09:33,034 --> 00:09:34,689
Let's just --I don't know
what that is!

253
00:09:34,689 --> 00:09:35,724
Is that Gaelic?!

254
00:09:35,724 --> 00:09:36,862
This is a little --

255
00:09:36,862 --> 00:09:38,206
Google,
what is Boulder?!

256
00:09:38,206 --> 00:09:39,482
Jesus!

257
00:09:39,482 --> 00:09:41,000
-No!
-God.

258
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,551
You didn't even tell me
you were applying.

259
00:09:42,551 --> 00:09:44,310
Do you not consider me someone
to talk shit through with?

260
00:09:44,310 --> 00:09:45,862
Are we not partners
in that way?

261
00:09:45,862 --> 00:09:48,206
Of course I do, Ilana.

262
00:09:48,206 --> 00:09:50,724
You're my only friend.

263
00:09:52,896 --> 00:09:55,310
Well, I guess you've been
stuck with me for awhile,

264
00:09:55,310 --> 00:09:56,689
but not anymore.

265
00:09:56,689 --> 00:09:59,241
No, dude, no.
I-I don'tfeel that way.

266
00:09:59,241 --> 00:10:01,172
Ilana, wait.
Just wait.

267
00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:08,379
Oh, my goodness.

268
00:10:08,379 --> 00:10:10,137
Ilana?

269
00:10:10,137 --> 00:10:11,896
Yeah. Vulva.

270
00:10:11,896 --> 00:10:14,000
You have ruined
the best part

271
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,206
of this interactive production
for me.

272
00:10:15,206 --> 00:10:16,310
Not now.

273
00:10:16,310 --> 00:10:18,724
I'm sorry, dude.
I-I'm sorry.

274
00:10:18,724 --> 00:10:22,034
I feel really stuck in my life
right now, okay?

275
00:10:22,034 --> 00:10:23,241
Nope. Nothing.

276
00:10:23,241 --> 00:10:24,689
I need a change.

277
00:10:24,689 --> 00:10:26,724
This is just like
you with grad school.

278
00:10:26,724 --> 00:10:29,034
I mean, you were settling
into a track

279
00:10:29,034 --> 00:10:31,000
and figuring out
your career.

280
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,862
Yeah, but I picked
a school in New York.

281
00:10:32,862 --> 00:10:36,034
I factored you in.
I alwaysfactor you in.

282
00:10:36,034 --> 00:10:38,000
Otherwise, I would've talked
to you about it.

283
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,310
I know.
I-I know.

284
00:10:40,310 --> 00:10:41,655
I-I'm sorry.

285
00:10:41,655 --> 00:10:44,586
Well, does -- does
anybody else know?

286
00:10:44,586 --> 00:10:48,482
I mean, I just talked to my mom
and -- and your mom.

287
00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:50,517
You told my mom?!

288
00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:52,206
That is
soviolating to me.

289
00:10:52,206 --> 00:10:53,482
Ugh!

290
00:10:53,482 --> 00:10:57,344
I'm sorry.
Just hold on a second.

291
00:10:57,344 --> 00:10:59,068
Ilana?

292
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:09,206
What a bitch.

293
00:11:12,379 --> 00:11:15,275
Ilana, come on.

294
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:19,965
I...can...not believe...

295
00:11:19,965 --> 00:11:22,793
that you would
not tell me this shit

296
00:11:22,793 --> 00:11:24,793
if there was even
a chance of you going.

297
00:11:24,793 --> 00:11:26,068
Dude, I was scared.

298
00:11:26,068 --> 00:11:28,655
I-I mean,
I'm still scared.

299
00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:30,655
Do you think that
I want to leave you?

300
00:11:30,655 --> 00:11:33,275
No, I almost wish
I didn't even get in

301
00:11:33,275 --> 00:11:34,724
so I wouldn't even
have to do this.

302
00:11:34,724 --> 00:11:35,827
Ha ha ha.

303
00:11:35,827 --> 00:11:37,034
Like you're not
gonna get in

304
00:11:37,034 --> 00:11:38,931
to some art program
you apply to.

305
00:11:38,931 --> 00:11:41,862
You are the best artist
in the world

306
00:11:41,862 --> 00:11:43,379
of all time!

307
00:11:43,379 --> 00:11:45,103
No, I'm not.

308
00:11:45,103 --> 00:11:47,103
Are you kidding me?
No, I'm not.

309
00:11:47,103 --> 00:11:49,724
I need to go out
and do this thing

310
00:11:49,724 --> 00:11:52,034
and -- and have an audience
that's more than just you

311
00:11:52,034 --> 00:11:55,000
and -- and my parents.

312
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,793
This is the first opportunity
I have had

313
00:11:56,793 --> 00:12:00,551
to finally
live and breathe art

314
00:12:00,551 --> 00:12:02,517
rather than
breathing in,

315
00:12:02,517 --> 00:12:05,137
like, leftover
prosciutto-wrapped dates

316
00:12:05,137 --> 00:12:07,620
that I stole
from my catering gig.

317
00:12:07,620 --> 00:12:09,310
They're so good,
though.

318
00:12:09,310 --> 00:12:11,827
Yeah, I know. That's why
I continually take them,

319
00:12:11,827 --> 00:12:13,827
but, I mean,
then rats come,

320
00:12:13,827 --> 00:12:15,862
and I just, like, haven't
figured out how to --

321
00:12:15,862 --> 00:12:17,172
It wouldn't be an issue

322
00:12:17,172 --> 00:12:18,965
and you wouldn't
have to leave New York

323
00:12:18,965 --> 00:12:20,655
if you just flushed them
down the toilet

324
00:12:20,655 --> 00:12:22,034
or wrapped them
in tinfoil

325
00:12:22,034 --> 00:12:23,793
and then put them
in a five-gallon Ziploc.

326
00:12:23,793 --> 00:12:25,862
It's not about me not knowing
how to flush them.

327
00:12:25,862 --> 00:12:27,172
It's not about that.

328
00:12:27,172 --> 00:12:28,862
I mean, it is a teeny bit
about, like,

329
00:12:28,862 --> 00:12:30,896
the methodical
strategies

330
00:12:30,896 --> 00:12:33,034
in which
we have to avoid rats.

331
00:12:33,034 --> 00:12:34,896
For the past
eight years,

332
00:12:34,896 --> 00:12:39,310
I have cleaned out
hundreds of people's pubes

333
00:12:39,310 --> 00:12:40,862
out of toilet bowls.

334
00:12:40,862 --> 00:12:46,000
So many strangers --
so many --

335
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,482
have thrown up on me.

336
00:12:47,482 --> 00:12:50,827
You do get thrown up on
an exorbitant amount.

337
00:12:50,827 --> 00:12:52,793
Yeah.

338
00:12:52,793 --> 00:12:57,344
Dude,
I am 30 years old.

339
00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:59,034
I'm done
with New York.

340
00:12:59,034 --> 00:13:01,931
Yeah.

341
00:13:01,931 --> 00:13:03,793
I get it.

342
00:13:03,793 --> 00:13:05,827
I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry.

343
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:08,068
I'm really --
I'm gross.

344
00:13:08,068 --> 00:13:10,724
I made this all about me,
and it's not about me.

345
00:13:10,724 --> 00:13:12,965
But I thought
you would've told me,

346
00:13:12,965 --> 00:13:15,068
but, you know,
I just need time.

347
00:13:15,068 --> 00:13:17,034
I need time
to process this, I --

348
00:13:17,034 --> 00:13:19,689
process the thought
of you leaving.

349
00:13:19,689 --> 00:13:22,137
Once I have that
for a few months,

350
00:13:22,137 --> 00:13:24,068
you know, whatever --
see my therapist,

351
00:13:24,068 --> 00:13:25,758
double up
for a little while,

352
00:13:25,758 --> 00:13:27,896
and -- and push it through
a little bit.

353
00:13:27,896 --> 00:13:30,206
Just a little time,
and it'll be okay.

354
00:13:30,206 --> 00:13:33,517
I'll be there to support you,
I promise.

355
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,241
So, speaking of --

356
00:13:37,241 --> 00:13:39,551
Sorry.Speaking of time...

357
00:13:39,551 --> 00:13:42,000
Speaking of --
Uh, speaking of time...

358
00:13:45,793 --> 00:13:51,275
So, the -- the program
starts in two weeks.

359
00:13:58,275 --> 00:14:01,413
What...are...you
talking about?!

360
00:14:01,413 --> 00:14:02,586
Don't leave!

361
00:14:02,586 --> 00:14:03,758
Oh, my God.
Stop doing this.

362
00:14:03,758 --> 00:14:05,620
We've had years together,
bitch!

363
00:14:05,620 --> 00:14:07,689
You crazy fucking bitch!Holy shit.

364
00:14:07,689 --> 00:14:08,931
What are you
talking about?!

365
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,413
Ilana, stop.
Ilana?

366
00:14:20,965 --> 00:14:23,689
So, uh, what do you
want to do now?

367
00:14:23,689 --> 00:14:25,724
I think we should
just go home.

368
00:14:25,724 --> 00:14:28,724
Come on, Ilana.
We can't end today like this.

369
00:14:28,724 --> 00:14:30,275
It's still early.

370
00:14:35,931 --> 00:14:37,655
Thank you.

371
00:14:37,655 --> 00:14:39,379
Wow.
Oh, my God.

372
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:42,517
I need something
in my stomach so bad.

373
00:14:42,517 --> 00:14:44,724
Mmm!

374
00:14:48,034 --> 00:14:50,724
Are you not --
you're not into it?

375
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:52,724
I'm just not
that hungry.

376
00:14:52,724 --> 00:14:55,413
Ilana...

377
00:14:55,413 --> 00:14:56,724
you are
the best friend

378
00:14:56,724 --> 00:14:59,896
I have ever had
in my whole life.

379
00:14:59,896 --> 00:15:03,275
And I know that
everybody is leaving.

380
00:15:03,275 --> 00:15:05,724
I'm sorry. I know that
this is, like,

381
00:15:05,724 --> 00:15:07,931
the worst timing.

382
00:15:07,931 --> 00:15:11,965
I just -- Dude, I...

383
00:15:11,965 --> 00:15:14,586
I need to, like,
change my life.

384
00:15:14,586 --> 00:15:18,241
I could do this in New York
with you forever.

385
00:15:18,241 --> 00:15:20,344
Exactly.

386
00:15:20,344 --> 00:15:24,655
I don't want to.

387
00:15:24,655 --> 00:15:26,000
Not because of you --

388
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,689
not because I don't want
to do this with you.

389
00:15:27,689 --> 00:15:30,275
It's just,
I'm gonna be illustrating

390
00:15:30,275 --> 00:15:31,793
all day, every day.

391
00:15:31,793 --> 00:15:35,000
Like, all the time,
I'm gonna be immersed in it.

392
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:39,103
I needyou to be with me
for this next journey, dude.

393
00:15:39,103 --> 00:15:42,793
I -- Like, I need that.

394
00:15:42,793 --> 00:15:45,862
You ruined
"Sleep No More" for me.

395
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:49,137
I didn't even get to get off
during the orgy scene.

396
00:15:49,137 --> 00:15:52,275
Get off?
In the -- In the room?

397
00:15:52,275 --> 00:15:55,793
People do.
It's really dark.

398
00:15:55,793 --> 00:16:00,965
You know, Ab, I've always
looked up to you,

399
00:16:00,965 --> 00:16:03,206
and I've always
admired you

400
00:16:03,206 --> 00:16:06,172
for being a deep
and mysterious queen,

401
00:16:06,172 --> 00:16:09,482
but I'm gonna be...

402
00:16:09,482 --> 00:16:11,517
right there with you.

403
00:16:11,517 --> 00:16:15,241
I'm gonna
watch you and...

404
00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:18,379
let you fly,
or whatever.

405
00:16:18,379 --> 00:16:24,413
I know that this residency
is gonna be a good experi--

406
00:16:24,413 --> 00:16:25,965
Ew.

407
00:16:27,310 --> 00:16:29,551
Mm. Wow. Sorry.You all right?

408
00:16:29,551 --> 00:16:33,137
What I mean to say is
that I know

409
00:16:33,137 --> 00:16:36,206
that this experience
is necessary

410
00:16:36,206 --> 00:16:37,379
for your
 growth.

411
00:16:37,379 --> 00:16:39,310
Ew.

412
00:16:43,206 --> 00:16:44,241
Okay.

413
00:16:44,241 --> 00:16:45,379
Sorry. Sorry.

414
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:46,413
You all right?
Okay.

415
00:16:48,344 --> 00:16:49,413
I'm really proud
of you.

416
00:16:52,241 --> 00:16:54,034
Thank you so much,
dude.

417
00:16:54,034 --> 00:16:56,310
That means the world to me,
really.

418
00:16:56,310 --> 00:16:58,482
Listen, Ilana,
you're gonna become,

419
00:16:58,482 --> 00:17:01,103
like, this badass therapist
who teaches people to grow

420
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,103
the way
you helped me grow.

421
00:17:03,103 --> 00:17:05,241
I mean, you're gonna teach them
how to feel their feelings

422
00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:07,620
and how to do sex
the right way.

423
00:17:07,620 --> 00:17:10,379
There's no right way.See?

424
00:17:10,379 --> 00:17:12,068
This is what
I'm talking about.

425
00:17:12,068 --> 00:17:14,137
Can I ask
one thing of you?

426
00:17:14,137 --> 00:17:16,793
Anything, dude.
Whatever.

427
00:17:16,793 --> 00:17:19,793
I want more
of your hair.

428
00:17:21,724 --> 00:17:23,724
I want a long-ass tail
for sniffing.

429
00:17:23,724 --> 00:17:26,310
Uh...

430
00:17:29,034 --> 00:17:30,448
I-I shape
my phone wigs

431
00:17:30,448 --> 00:17:32,586
when the train gets stuck
between stations.

432
00:17:32,586 --> 00:17:34,517
Um, so...

433
00:17:34,517 --> 00:17:37,137
Okay.
Sure.

434
00:17:37,137 --> 00:17:39,931
I-I-I would love to.

435
00:17:39,931 --> 00:17:41,448
Ab.

436
00:17:41,448 --> 00:17:43,689
I'm not talking
about shavings.

437
00:17:43,689 --> 00:17:45,068
The root.

438
00:17:45,068 --> 00:17:48,275
You should feel metal
on your scalp skin.

439
00:17:48,275 --> 00:17:49,896
Okay.

440
00:17:57,448 --> 00:17:59,000
Thank you.

441
00:18:01,034 --> 00:18:02,586
Okay.

442
00:18:07,344 --> 00:18:10,965
Yeah, well, I mean, I don't know
when the sun's gonna set,

443
00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:12,862
but maybe we can, like,
walk a little bit down --

444
00:18:12,862 --> 00:18:14,827
Okay.

445
00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:15,965
Talk soon.

446
00:18:15,965 --> 00:18:17,724
Okay, handshake.

447
00:18:25,965 --> 00:18:29,655
Yeah, so, you can move in
straight up tomorrow.

448
00:18:29,655 --> 00:18:33,448
Yes! Amazing!
Thank you!

449
00:18:33,448 --> 00:18:35,965
And I'm sorry about that
backup-offer shit before.

450
00:18:35,965 --> 00:18:37,965
I promise I will be
a normal roommate.

451
00:18:37,965 --> 00:18:40,551
Oh, I-I forgot to tell you
one small thing --

452
00:18:40,551 --> 00:18:45,206
Well, actually,
two really big things.

453
00:18:45,206 --> 00:18:47,103
I have two Great Danes.

454
00:18:47,103 --> 00:18:48,931
Is that cool?

455
00:18:48,931 --> 00:18:50,862
Yeah.

456
00:18:50,862 --> 00:18:52,965
Yes! I'm so glad
you love dogs.

457
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,000
Later.

458
00:18:55,379 --> 00:18:58,379
Okay.

459
00:19:02,896 --> 00:19:08,620
♪ I felt anxious when I came,
and things were never the same ♪

460
00:19:08,620 --> 00:19:14,068
♪ I felt anxious when I came,
and things were never the same ♪

461
00:19:14,068 --> 00:19:20,068
♪ I felt anxious when I came,
and things were never the same ♪

462
00:19:20,068 --> 00:19:24,103
♪ I felt anxious when I came ♪

463
00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:29,241
Oh, my God.
Lookit, they love you!

464
00:19:29,241 --> 00:19:30,862
Mm.

465
00:19:30,862 --> 00:19:33,103
Okay, Beyoncé, Jay-Z, let's go,
come on, come on.

466
00:19:33,103 --> 00:19:34,448
Come with Mama.

467
00:19:34,448 --> 00:19:35,586
Come on, let's go.

468
00:19:38,793 --> 00:19:40,931
Ugh.

469
00:19:42,068 --> 00:19:43,758
What?

470
00:19:43,758 --> 00:19:45,758
Okay, um, Ilana,
please don't hang up.

471
00:19:45,758 --> 00:19:47,620
I-I know you
need space right now,

472
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:49,103
and -- and I really want
to respect that,

473
00:19:49,103 --> 00:19:51,931
but you
have asked me this...

474
00:19:51,931 --> 00:19:55,862
hundreds of times, literally,
since the moment I met you,

475
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:59,689
and it looks like
today is the day.

476
00:20:03,241 --> 00:20:05,068
I'm gonna show you
my poop.

477
00:20:06,551 --> 00:20:08,620
Oh, my God.

478
00:20:08,620 --> 00:20:10,068
This means
so much to me.

479
00:20:10,068 --> 00:20:12,620
Okay.

480
00:20:12,620 --> 00:20:15,137
Here we go.

481
00:20:19,344 --> 00:20:20,793
Fuck!

482
00:20:20,793 --> 00:20:23,275
Queen! You mustbe
an Ashkenazi Jew

483
00:20:23,275 --> 00:20:25,862
'cause you are
lactose in-toler-ant!

484
00:20:25,862 --> 00:20:27,413
Right? No way could that
have been

485
00:20:27,413 --> 00:20:29,000
all in your stomach
at one time!

486
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,275
It was definitely
exiting your esophagus

487
00:20:31,275 --> 00:20:33,103
as it was entering
your small intestine.

488
00:20:33,103 --> 00:20:34,482
Whoo!I do feel lighter.

489
00:20:34,482 --> 00:20:36,931
Hoo! Thank you.
Wow.

490
00:20:36,931 --> 00:20:39,862
Ilana,
I needed that to work, dude.

491
00:20:39,862 --> 00:20:42,310
I am so sorry,
and I knew

492
00:20:42,310 --> 00:20:45,586
that showing you my poop
would cheer you up.

493
00:20:45,586 --> 00:20:47,413
♪ My poop ♪

494
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,827
♪ My poop, my poop ♪

495
00:20:49,827 --> 00:20:51,620
♪ My  poop ♪

496
00:20:51,620 --> 00:20:53,172
You sound good.Thanks.

497
00:20:53,172 --> 00:20:55,482
I-I did it a few times
before I called you.

498
00:20:55,482 --> 00:20:58,241
You know, I-I guess
this distance thing

499
00:20:58,241 --> 00:21:00,344
could make us closer
in some ways.

500
00:21:00,344 --> 00:21:01,965
Thank you
for saying that.

501
00:21:01,965 --> 00:21:04,137
Ab.

502
00:21:04,137 --> 00:21:05,620
Can I see it
one more time?

503
00:21:05,620 --> 00:21:07,137
Okay, one more time.

504
00:21:07,137 --> 00:21:08,586
And then
I really have to flush,

505
00:21:08,586 --> 00:21:10,827
'cause I, like, can't breathe
in here anymore.

506
00:21:10,827 --> 00:21:12,965
Oh, Jesus.

507
00:21:12,965 --> 00:21:14,379
Dude, no!

508
00:21:14,379 --> 00:21:15,689
Ilana, no screenshots.

509
00:21:15,689 --> 00:21:17,482
Delete that.
That's not fair.

510
00:21:17,482 --> 00:21:18,586
Yamaneika! Come here!

511
00:21:25,413 --> 00:21:28,103
Ilana, I need to talk to you
about something.

512
00:21:28,103 --> 00:21:30,862
I got accepted into
an artists' residency program

513
00:21:30,862 --> 00:21:35,172
in Boulder, Colorado.

514
00:21:35,172 --> 00:21:38,413
Ilana, say something!
For crying out loud, dude!

515
00:21:38,413 --> 00:21:39,482
Talk to me!